Few things are funnier than a fat guy trying to teach women how to work out and lose weight. That was the mindset when writing and shooting this lovely “Gettin’ Later” sketch back in 2004. Enjoy my attempt at improving with my backup dancers/aerobicizers. After this was finished, I completely hated it, but aired it anyways because it was too late to replace it. Looking back, I get a chuckle out of it and only mildly hate it. Enjoy.
Since it’s Friday and I was too lazy to do some actual writing, I’ll give you a wonderful video instead. It’s of my favorite opening credits. Surprisingly, or probably not if you know me, my favorite credits are from my own college television show. It’s nonsensical, humorous, silly, and sexy at the same time. Please enjoy, the “Gettin’ Later” season 3 credits.
At one time in my life, I wanted to be a journalist. The video below is a good example why that did not happen:
Back in 2004, I took a a TV news class and was assigned to produce a news package for Student run news show “Rock U News.” It was to be a feature story about something happening around campus. I had a few weeks to complete the package, but was struggling for ideas. Namely, ones that could be produced easily.
I waited until the last minute, and still had nothing. Then, a friend asked if I wanted to attend the Pittsburgh Pirates home opener. Assignment, or not, the answer was yes. But there was still the issue of my news story.
My ride was set to leave in an hour and I had to do something. My solution? I shot my friend Devin for 15 minutes as he edited a 2 minute movie he was entering in a contest that involved movies using major kitchen appliances. I also made him do random things around my apartment for b-roll. After adding in a few stand-ups of myself, wearing appropriate journalist attire, to narrate this bullshit story, my gem of information was nearly complete.
The Pirates won that day, and I edited the piece in about 90 minutes. It shows. I ended up with a B on the piece, which was more a product of lazy grading than the quality of my work. Afterward, I knew my future in journalism was doubtful at best and it sunk in that my only option was a career in reality television.
I was woken up at 10:15 a.m. last Tuesday morning by a call from my friend,
Jack. He works on “The Tyra Banks Show.” I feel like an honorary staff member of the show since I’ve gotten to know much of the staff through Sunday NFL action at Big Wangs.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Ryan, wake up, you’re going on a date with a lesbian today,” Jack said.
“Tyra” did a show about people dating out of their comfort zone. One of
the subjects is a lesbian who has never been on a date with a man. The guy they picked to be on the show backed out at the last second, and my friend knew I wasn’t working last week, sohe called me. That set my first TV date into motion.
Of course the water wasn’t running in our building this morning due to the installation of a new hot water tank. Luckily, there was enough left for me to wash my face and brush my teeth.
By 10:45 I was at a bake shop on Santa Monica Blvd. I looked sharp in a blue polo and jeans. The Field Producer made me change my shirt since there was a logo on it. I had a logo-less button down in the back seat of my car. Though wrinkly, it was acceptable to wear.
My date was a beautiful lady named Amber. We got over the intial awkwardness and warmed up to each other as best we could. The situation was contrived, but that’s daytime talk for you. They directed us in what to say and how to act at times, but i added some Muldoisms to the segment.
First, we prepared x-rated cupcakes with chocolate butts and boobs. It’s the
first time in my life I can legitimately say I ate a butt (even said that phrase on camera too. I don’t think it made the show, although the slightly less cool phrase “Let’s sex it up!” did make the final cut).
We flirted and kissed the icing off of each others lips. Then we went to a smoothie shop for some more conversation. We were directed to kiss again.
I had to ask her questions about her sexual history and other embarrassing things. Things that I would never really ask on a date.
It’s funny that I’m kissing a lesbian several times for a national audience, yet I have trouble putting a move on a woman in private. There’s something in me that, when the cameras are turned on, makes me perform and do things I normally wouldn’t do. I guess I’m just an entertainer.
Amber and I got along well. Her friend Drew was there, too. They invited me to go to a Gay club that night. It was definitely an interesting experience. A bit of a role reversal. I was the one out of my comfort zone that evening. I did notice a couple of dudes vibing me there. I guess when you got it, YOU GOT IT.
On Thursday, I was interviewed by Tyra in the studio. I had a green room, which I shared with a multi-millionaire real estate investor. We chatted for two and a half hours. He had some crazy stories. He gave me his business card and told me he wants to hang out with me. Seems like a good guy to know.
While I was waiting, I had a bunch of visitors from my friends who work on the show. They all gave me pep talks to calm me down before I went out there.
They gave me clothes to wear on stage. I could have brought my own clothing, but I knew that what they picked out for me would be better than anything I’d pick out on my own. Had to look good for the national television audience.
To my surprise, they didn’t edit me to be too much of a douche. The dating segment was funny, and though they cut out some of my funny lines, they left some in too.
I was much more nervous than I thought I’d be when I was on the stage. It was my first TV appearance since “Gettin’ Later,” and for a slightly larger audience. I was told that my face got progressively more red as the segment went on, and that my head was about to explode by the end. That should be amusing to watch on TV.
The producers and everyone on the staff who watched the footage thought I was hilarious. I didn’t think I did anything that funny, but I guess just being myself is entertaining enough. I am a character, after all.
My “Tyra” experience was a good one. I got thrown into it at the last minute, had a blast, and made a couple new friends. Let’s just hope some ladies e-mail the show so they can bring me back on more dates! Or if that doesn’t work out, let’s hope the people at “Survivor” see me and realize that I am a reality TV STAR in the making!
Here’s the video of my appearance on the show: