They say co-ed slow pitch softball is humankind’s greatest game. I never truly understood that until recently, when I hit two home runs in three at-bats. Luckily for you, a friend immortalized my first dinger for all the world to enjoy.
This was best sporting performance since I won MVP for pitching a six inning, three hit shutout in an All-Star tournament when I was 11. The trophy from that game is displayed proudly, deep in the closet of my childhood bedroom. For my most recent display of athletic prowess, I received the game ball, which is now perched on my mantle next to my Kevin Federline ticket stub.
If you had asked me back then what I would be as an adult, I would have said an NBA player or a doctor, with professional baseball a close third choice. Fortunately, I was able to reach even greater heights as an athlete than my wildest adolescent imaginations could dream.
I had the honor of playing a referee in The Whiskey Saints new video for “The Gift.” It was a lot of fun and I got to eat pizza and drink beer. So far, the reviews have been stellar, with commenters on a blog saying I look like Peyton Manning or a young Jerry Sandusky. After viewing the video I gave myself a 15 yard penalty for being too sexy.
While driving through middle America with his friend Tony, finds a phone number written in a bathroom stall in Mississippi and curiosity gets the better of him. What will he find on the other end of the phone line? True love? Fleeting passion? A busy signal? One thing’s for sure: He’ll find someone to give him the head job that he believes is entitled to him.
This is accompanying video for the November 4th Blog that describes my experience in a Mississippi gas station bathroom.
A while back I did a rendition of the Bone Thugs N Harmony classic “Crossroads” and posted it on youtube. I received death threats, ridicule, scorn, and lots of comments remarking on how “white” I am.
Looking back, I should have realized the group had a fervent fan base. My earliest Bone Thugs memory is from back in grade school, when a girl in my shop class chose to carve in “Bone Thugs E. 1999 Eternal” into the box she built for a project. Most of us chose our initials, but she went with the current Bone Thugs album. That’s a true fan.
Here are some of my favorite comments, taken verbatim:
“if i was bone thugz i would try 2 find u and whip yo ass”
“i’m from cleveland and i find this very fucked up”
“weak ass anal lovin cock sucking fat fag sweaty shit licker…. ur fucked up… u suck 4 one and 4 2.. dats sad u cant even complete da damn song and 4 3 thats da best song ever how u gonna fuck it up……. die !!!!”
“stupid white boy im tired of your shit bitch”
“this guy fucking sucks dick and pisses me off”
“this folks is what bone thugs would look like if they sang sober..”
“nigga funny, reminds me of napoleon dynamite”
“i feel like finding you and raping you in front of your mother”
“this is why the majority of white people dont rap.”
There are also many comments understanding the intent of the video, but clearly, I should never mess with a Bone Thugs N Harmony song again unless I want to die a very slow and painful death.
Out of all my Youtube videos, the one I hear the most about is from a few years ago when I recorded myself complaining about loud neighbors having early morning sex while blasting techno music. They were hideous looking and insane. My reaction was raw emotion at its finest, as you can see in the video:
In another incident, they got into a domestic dispute and the police were called. The woman argued with the cops. I took a look outside my peephole and saw her handcuffed against the wall in her bra and panties. It temporarily blinded me for 7 hours.
The couple broke up, the fat girlfriend lost a bunch of weight (but still was ugly) and became more insane. Her low point was playing a 10 minute long Danzig song on a loop all through the night at a volume loud enough for me to make out the lyrics from my apartment across the hallway.
I called the cops and complained to my landlord to the point where she was threatened with eviction if she didn’t stop. I moved out soon after, though my memories of this woman, her loud sex, and questionable taste in music will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Back in early 2008, I stayed at my friend’s house because I had a few too many pops and couldn’t drive. The next morning, we woke up the entire house by singing karaoke. I chose an appropriate song, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham! Everyone was annoyed at first, but soon became a slave to the groove. The video was thought to be lost, but has been found and is below for your viewing and listening pleasure.
This is a reminder that I cannot sing any George Michael song well, and that I need to lose a good 15 lbs so I can look as sexy now as I did in 2008. Happy Friday!
In celebration of Good Friday, I present to you a rediscovered clip from back in 2004. It features Jesus performing hilarious stand up for a Comedy Special for sale on DVD. Watch the video below and be crucified with LAUGHS! If this doesn’t give you a Good Friday, I don’t know what will!
It was originally taped for an episode of “Gettin’ Later.” Although the acting could’ve been better, the skit hits its mark and gave me a few chuckles when I watched it today for the first time in years.