Beard Muldowney died of accidental causes today. He was 33 days old.
Beard was conceived by his father, Ryan Patrick Muldowney, 27, of Los Angeles, on the afternoon of July 9th, immediately after he shaved before attending a friend’s wedding. Though Beard was a cause of itchiness and discomfort at first, they quickly became inseparable, attending many work events and social outings together.
In time, Beard softened to Muldowney’s face, and he grew to appreciate the more mature look it gave him while learning to tolerate things like his cheeks staying damp long after he exited the shower.
Beard was expected to live a long and fulfilling life, but things took a sudden turn for the worse on August 11 when Muldowney, due to unfamiliarity with a hair trimmer, accidentally took a large chunk of Beard off his chin.
Beard is survived by his father Ryan, older brothers Head Hair and Pubic Hair aka “Curly” Muldowney, and step brother Mustache, who will be euthanized Friday morning due to his father not wanting to look like a child molester.
In lieu of flowers, please donate hair trimmer instruction manuals to those who cannot operate simple machinery without help.
This Memorial Day marks the five year anniversary of my relocation from Pittsburgh to Los Angeles. To mark the occasion, I’ll be posting daily anecdotes of memories from my first few months as a wide eyed 22-year-old in Tinseltown.
For those who don’t know the story, I was plucked from a career in retail by my mentor and friend Mikey Glazer in 2006. Mikey and I initially began a correspondence after he discovered my college television show, “Gettin’ Later.” Two years later, I became the first person he hired before a face to face meeting.
Mikey was staffing up his casting department for the Telemundo version of “Deal or No Deal,” titled “Vas o No Vas.” I was working as a cashier at Best Buy and pondering my place in society. He told me the job was mine, and after contemplating whether or not I actually wanted to leave Pittsburgh, I took the job and drove cross-country with my friend Jeremy.
Some people thought it was great that I was perusing my aspirations. Others thought I was silly for leaving my home town. One coworker, in a moment I will never forget, told me that within a year I would be broke and back living at home with my mother. I had many doubts myself, but ultimately decided if I were ever to make the move I’d been talking about for years, the time was then.
And here I am five years later, still living in Los Angeles. Though still far from financial security, I can pay my bills while doing what I enjoy, I have a great life and great friends, and I can go to the beach anytime I damn well please.
So thanks to everyone I’ve met along the way during these five years. To the people I’ve bonded with over a beer, the women I’ve dated, my work colleagues, and everyone I’ve ever had a moment with. You’ve made my time here wonderful.
Also, thank you to my friends and family back home who have supported my decision to live across the country. Even though they’re always asking me when I’m moving back home, I know they’re happy for me.
Here’s to five more years!
Today, January 13, 2011, was the day my world changed. Or so I thought. According to astrologers, due to changes in the Earth’s alignment, the dates of many zodiac signs have changed. Under the new Zodiac calender, my sign changed from Virgo to Leo.
I panicked. Everything I had come to know in my 27 years had been a lie. I then googled my horoscope to see how the change would effect my life starting today.
Luckily, I found out that the new astrological calendar only applies to new births. So a Virgo for life I will be. But since this has put a scare into me, let’s compare horoscopes for both Virgo and Leo, the horoscope that could have been.
A friend or family member might act strangely and seem distracted. You may wonder if he or she is upset with you. This probably isn’t the case. This person has issues that need attention. Allow them some space. A romantic partner might have to break a date tonight. Spend the evening alone with a novel and look forward to the next get-together.
I’m grateful that the new calendar doesn’t effect me since today’s horoscope requires me to interact with family members and date, which are two things that I do rarely, if ever. Also, I never read books, and I’m not sure if the horoscope would allow me to swap out reading a novel with browsing the February issue of Maxim that I read on the commode.
Today’s horoscope for Virgo, my original sign:
Too much reading might have you experiencing eyestrain and possibly headaches, Virgo. It might help to have your eyes checked, but it’s probably just too much stress. You might have some trouble focusing on whatever work you do today, but this is only a temporary condition. You should be back to your normal self tomorrow. Stay home tonight, listen to music, and take it easy.
So instead of dealing with whiny family members and broken social commitments as a Leo, I’m going to have stress, headaches, and trouble focusing. At least I get to “take it easy,” which is the only thing I’m really good at.
These are both pretty depressing. Maybe I’ll just start following Scorpio, for no reason other than I like the word Scorpio.
A quick glance in the mirror last night confirmed what I had feared for months: I’m going gray. Sure, I had hairs that looked gray or white before, but I convinced myself that those follicles were bleached by the sun, since I used to get patches of blond hair every summer as a child.
This is different. These are random gray hairs that are scattered all over my head.
I could panic, but I’m not really shocked. My mom went gray when she was about 27 and covered it with dye.
A part of me considered taking the same action. I always thought I’d look good as a red head, if not bare a slight resemblance to highly-esteemed character actor Marcia Wallace. Alas, there is something to be said for aging gracefully.
Besides, it’s not noticeable without looking closely at individual follicles, and my light brown hair color should mask the light sprinkling of grays for at least five years.
Eventually, more and more gray hairs will sprout as father time takes its toll, but that won’t happen for another 10 years. Solace can also be had in the fact that it will be at least 15 years before I get any significant ear hair, and another 30 or 40 before my ball sack starts sagging as if its a basset hound’s ears, like those old guys I see getting changed in the gym locker room.
Hello everyone. I hope this blog finds you in good spirits. The holiday season is in full swing. There’s a side-project I’ve been working on with my friend during December. It’s called Jingle Blog Rock and if you need something to get your in the spirit, go there. It will put you into holiday overdrive. Tell your friends. It’s what Bing Crosby and Burl Ives would’ve wanted.
And for fun, here’s a photo of me dressed as Bing Crosby for Halloween 2006:
Some people party to get drunk. Some party for the social atmosphere. And, there will always be tight-outfitted hoochie mammas who party to dance, rub their genitals on random dudes, and tag a penis or two. Now, a new party trend is emerging where people gather and expose their children to a life threatening illness.
Talk of swine flu parties has emerged on Internet forums. The idea is that exposing a child to the H1N1 virus while it remains relatively mild will give the child immunity if the virus returns in a more virulent form later on.
The idea is an extension of chicken pox and measles parties that were once a popular way of exposing children to those diseases so that they might acquire resistance to subsequent infections.
It’s as innocent as those fun parties at places like Studio 54 in the 70’s where everyone did blow, received anal, and had sex in various orifices. It was a blast until most of those people died of AIDS or overdosed.
The party was fun in Jonestown too until everyone drank the Kool Aid.
As a parent, there’s not much you can do to protect your children from disease, so sickness, especially a virus that can be fatal, has to be tackled head on.
And hey, these events can be fun. Just find the kid in your neighborhood who’s been infected and send the evite to all the parents in town. The grown-ups can show up wearing bio hazard suits with their kids in tow, ready to have some fun.
Bacon strips would be the main appetizer, and an ice-breaking game of play “Pin the tail on the Diseased Pig” would be played. In the back yard, a pickup game of football is started after every child coughs on the old pigskin.
Following football, a bone is thrown to the younger kids and a Porky the Pig Looney Toons marathon is set up on the HDTV in the living room. Something for the younger kids.
At bedtime, the children are rounded up, placed in a tent with no ventilation, and are fed cod liver oil to induce vomiting. After 8 hours in the bubble, they’ll not only smell of puke, but they’ll be touting a fresh infection.
Surely, no harm will come of this.
Barrymore. Arquette. Fonda. Muldowney?
With my arrival to Hollywood in 2006, my family officially became a dynasty in the entertainment universe. I am the second person in my lineage to forge a career as an entertainer. The first: My cousin Alfie Zappacosta.
For as long as I could remember, I would hear stories about my famous cousin and his career. It was a big deal in my family, and anyone would be lucky enough to be half as successful as him.
A canadian singer/songwriter with a long and prolific resume, he achieved his biggest success in the United States with an appearance on the soundtrack for the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing.” His song, “Overload,” plays when Patrick Swayze breaks into the car. It’s a bitchin’ number with a block rockin’ beat. Around that same time, he released a video for a song titled “Nothing Can Stand In Your Way.” The video is below.
It’s has a very 80s feel to it, with slow motion clapping and hair tosses. No doubt this became the anthem for Canadian high school graduates in 1986. It’s a catchy tune and Alfie has a powerful voice and commanding stage presence.
I met Alfie once when I was 7. He’s very friendly and down to earth. Every now and then, I tell people about my famous cousin and they think I’m making it up. It usually comes up when someone mentions “Dirty Dancing.” I tell them the story, and the typical reaction is laughter and disbelief. Today, I finally clear the air. It’s no lie. My grandmother and Alfie’s father were siblings. My mom is his first cousin. We’re related.
Alfie still tours Canada regularly and stars in many stage productions. Between his musical prowess and me associately producing various shows on basic cable, we make quite a tandem.