Archive | March 2010

A Cat That Looks Like John McCain

I had the pleasure of meeting a cat tonight that was sweet, friendly, and looked a lot like Arizona Senator John McCain. Like McCain, it’s old, has white hair, and has a goiter on it’s jawline.  I snapped a horrible quality photo on my camera phone and have made a side-by-side comparison of the cat and John McCain.  The resemblance is uncanny:

The cat’s name escapes my memory,  but I dubbed him John McCat.  When I first entered the house and saw the cat out of the corner of my eye, for a moment I thought it was McCain himself.  I then turned my head and knew it wasn’t him.  John McCain is many things, but a pussy is not one of them.


MuldoCast w/ Spike TV Producer Joel Goodling

Enjoy this week’s MuldoCast with world famous TV producer, former late-night talk show rival, and friend, Joel Goodling.  Joel and Muldo talk about life in the high-line world of video game television production, debate on whether or not new video games are as good as the games of yesteryear, and discuss the shocking revelation of Ricky Martin’s gayness.  All this and much, much more on the MuldoCast.

You can visit the official website for Joel’s show, “Game Trailers,” at


The Ricky Martin video for “She’s All I Ever Had,” featuring the most beautiful woman on the planet as discussed in the MuldoCast:

Be sure to subscribe to the MuldoCast on iTunes by clicking this link.  Do a kindness and spread the word.  Tell a friend about the show!

Worst Romantic Comedy Ending Ever

Some weird shit went down this weekend in Pennsylvania that would make for the worst premise for a romantic comedy since “All About Steve.”

From the Pittsburgh Post Gazette:

Police said a man will be charged with public drunkenness after a witnesses saw him attempting mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a road-killed opossum.

State police said they charged Donald Wolfe, 55, of Brookville, Jefferson County, after they arrived at the scene on Route 36 in Oliver Township around 3 p.m. Thursday.

Trooper Jamie Levier said several witnesses saw Mr. Wolfe near the animal. The trooper said one person saw Mr. Wolfe kneeling before the animal and gesturing as though he were conducting a seance, while another saw the mouth-to-mouth attempt.

Trooper Levier said Wolfe was “extremely intoxicated” and “did have his mouth in the area of the animal’s mouth, I guess.”

This is one possum that must not have been playing possum in the sack.


Gettin’ Skinny Workout Video

Few things are funnier than a fat guy trying to teach women how to work out and lose weight.  That was the mindset when writing and shooting this lovely “Gettin’ Later” sketch back in 2004.  Enjoy my attempt at improving with my backup dancers/aerobicizers.  After this was finished, I completely hated it, but aired it anyways because it was too late to replace it.  Looking back, I get a chuckle out of it and only mildly hate it.  Enjoy.

Justin Bieber’s Comb Over

There’s been a lot of talk about this Justin Bieber fellow lately.  I don’t care how musically talented the kid is, the only thing I’ve noticed about him is his atrocious hair.

The comb over is usually reserved for middle aged men who won’t resign to the fact that they no longer have a hairline.  Why does a 16-year-old who probably gets more pussy in a week than I will in a lifetime sport the same style?

As you can see in the photo, Bieber’s hair is grown out longer on the sides, combed toward the center of his head, and matted down by some heavy duty hair products.  I guarantee that if you threw him in a pool, he’d come out with the hair on his sides and back grown past his shoulders, and nothing on the top of his skull, much like Hulk Hogan.

There could be many reasons for Bieber’s comb over.  A few possibilities:

– Record execs forced Bieber into the comb over to cover up a forehead tattoo a la Michelle “Bombshell” McGee [1. A few days ago, McGee spurned an argument between me and my roommate.  I said I would never have sex with a woman who has a tattoo on her forehead.  It’s a complete turn off and, it doesn’t matter how hot the rest of her body is, I couldn’t get over the tattoo.  My roommate then yelled at me, called me full of shit, and said I would do it if the girl was hot, saying if Giselle had a forehead tattoo, I’d still be all over her.  But I really couldn’t do it.  If a girl is careless enough about her body that she’d get a forehead tattoo, no amount of hotness would overcome that for me.].  Bieber wouldn’t be nearly as appealing to preteen girls if he looked like Bam Bam Bigelow.

– Bieber is being proactive and starting a comb over now, instead of resorting to it at a later age when his career takes its inevitable nose dive.

– Bieber shaves the top of his head and combs over as a tribute to his musical hero Frank Sinatra, who famously wore a hair piece.  It’s a more original way to celebrate a hero than recording a tribute album.

– Bieber is a real life Benjamin Button, living in reverse, looking young, but still suffering from male pattern baldness.  this would be the saddest option, since that means we only have a decade and a half left of Bieber-time.  It also explains how he’s so musically talented at a seemingly young age.

No matter the reason, it’s time for Justin Bieber to take a stand on the situation.  He should come forward and finally comment on his hair and why he elects to comb it over, or do what I did when I was 16 and change his hairstyle to a bowl cut that’s parted down the middle.  Either way, we, as a country, could then move on and focus our thoughts to more important matters like the Kim Kardashian-Reggie Bush breakup.

Sex, The Elderly, and You

I came across a piece of literature today that was alarming.  An article from Business Week states that a human’s sex life is over when they turn 70-years-old.  As someone who plans on plowing chicks until they plow the dirt over my grave, that’s really disheartening.

From the Article:

(Bloomberg) — The average person’s sex life ends by the age of 70, according to a report published today in the British Medical Journal.

Men age 30 have an average of 35 years of sexually active life remaining, compared with 31 years for women, researchers at the University of Chicago’s department of obstetrics and gynecology estimated after reviewing a survey of 3,000 people. A separate survey of older people showed that by 55, men have an average sexual life expectancy of 15 years and women can expect 10 more years, the researchers found.

For most people, life will end in their 70’s, but their sex life doesn’t have to.  It’s refreshing to see older people acting affectionate toward one another.  I don’t want to see them having intercourse, but a kiss and a hug in public every now and then isn’t out of the question.  At least it shows they didn’t have a completely loveless marriage like my grandparents did.

Science might disagree with me on old people sex, but a group of Miami area seniors are on my side.    They believe that the elderly should be getting down as much as the rest of us younger folk, so they sought out a way to deliver that message the best way they know how:  Stop-motion clay animation.  You do not want to miss the video below, since it’s probably the best youtube video I’ve seen in 3 years:

Does this video make you want to have relations with a blue haired temptress?  I know I’d be interested, as long as she provided her official certificate clearing her of any STDs.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be at Canter’s Deli hitting on the old Jewish waitresses.

MuldoCast: Scott Green

Humor columnist, magician, and lawyer Scott Green joins Ryan on the MuldoCast this week to discuss life as a new lawyer, performing magic shows for bratty children, how he met his future wife, and creating an updated version of the Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito classic “Twins.”  This is one MuldoCast you don’t want to miss!

You can check out Scott’s hilarious writing at


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