Archive | June 2009

Sick Party

Some people party to get drunk.  Some party for the social atmosphere.  And, there will always be tight-outfitted hoochie mammas who party to dance, rub their genitals on random dudes, and tag a penis or two.  Now, a new party trend is emerging where people gather and expose their children to a life threatening illness.swine-flu

Talk of swine flu parties has emerged on Internet forums. The idea is that exposing a child to the H1N1 virus while it remains relatively mild will give the child immunity if the virus returns in a more virulent form later on.

The idea is an extension of chicken pox and measles parties that were once a popular way of exposing children to those diseases so that they might acquire resistance to subsequent infections.

It’s as innocent as those fun parties at places like Studio 54 in the 70’s where everyone did blow, received anal, and had sex in various orifices.  It was a blast until most of those people died of AIDS or overdosed.

The party was fun in Jonestown too until everyone drank the Kool Aid.

As a parent, there’s not much you can do to protect your children from disease, so sickness, especially a virus that can be fatal, has to be tackled head on.

And hey, these events can be fun.  Just find the kid in your neighborhood who’s been infected and send the evite to all the parents in town.  The grown-ups can show up wearing bio hazard suits with their kids in tow, ready to have some fun.

Bacon strips would be the main appetizer, and an ice-breaking game of play “Pin the tail on the Diseased Pig” would be played.  In the back  yard, a pickup game of football is started after every child coughs on the old pigskin. 

Following football, a bone is thrown to the younger kids and a Porky the Pig Looney Toons marathon is set up on the HDTV in the living room.  Something for the younger kids. 

At bedtime, the children are rounded up, placed in a tent with no ventilation, and are fed cod liver oil to induce vomiting.  After 8 hours in the bubble, they’ll not only smell of puke, but they’ll be touting a fresh infection.

Surely, no harm will come of this.

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The Merkin – Revisited

The news of Kate Winslet’s merkin use made me remember an old desk skit from “Gettin’ Later,” originally written in 2002 by myself and Ben Mitchell.

And now, I bring you “The Merkin.”

Ben picks up a merkin.  It’s black and has long, flowing braids like a bad weave.

BEN
Hey, what’s this?

RYAN
That’s my new merkin!  I’ve been looking all over for that.  I thought Doug stole it again.

Ben sniffs the object for a beat, intrigued.

BEN
What’s a merkin?

RYAN
Ha, it’s a pubic wig!

Ben throws merkin down in anger.

BEN
WHAT?

RYAN
It fills me out…down there.  Makes me look like more of a man.

Ryan tucks it into his pants, the braids flowing out.

BEN
It looks like Pocohontas set up a tee-pee in your nether region.

RYAN
Well, that is the name of my merkin.

BEN
I didn’t need to know that.

RYAN
I think you did.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who don’t know the benefits of a good, form-fitting merkin.

BEN
Why do you need more hair down there? Isn’t your ass a hair forest?

RYAN
Yes, that’s why I need equilibrium.

BEN
Equili-

RYAN
Equilibrium.

BEN
(beat) Aren’t you aware that less is more? Real men keep it trim down there.

RYAN
That’s debatable.  Don’t you read Cosmo?  The rugged look is IN.

BEN
But a trimmed region also makes junk look bigger.  You don’t want to look like Sinbad, do you?

RYAN
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHH…

BEN
The COMEDIAN, not the pirate. (beat) This is just wrong.

RYAN
Don’t knock it till you try it.

Ben pauses to think.

BEN
You’ve got me curious now.  Can I at least try it on?

Ben swipes for the merkin.  Ryan dodges.

RYAN
No way!  That’s sick!

BEN
Just for a minute?

RYAN
NO!  You can buy your own.  Just don’t get the same one as me.  I don’t want you crampin’ my style.

BEN
What if I don’t like it?

Ryan pulls a catalogue from under his chair.

RYAN
We’ll take care of that.

BEN
Wow!  They have a “Christopher Walken?”

RYAN
My favorite is “John Stamos – The Early Years.”

BEN
Wait a minute.  What are we doing?  This is ridiculous.

RYAN
What?

BEN
I know what’s going on here.  I know why you have a merkin all of a sudden.  You still feel… inadequate, don’t you?

RYAN
Who doesn’t?  How can I compete with guys like Brad Pitt?

Ben pats Ryan on the back, also wiping off his hands from his encounter with the merkin.

BEN
There, there.  It’s not your fault all your hairs were burned off by Agent Orange in ‘Nam.

RYAN
Damn it, Ben!

BEN
Oh, was that a secret?

Ryan puts his head in his hands.

RYAN
YES!

BEN
Oops.  We’ll be right back!

RYAN
Charlie Bastards!

END

A-merkin Dream

kate_winsletKate Winslet failed in her attempt at method acting for her Oscar winning role in “The Reader” because she couldn’t grow enough bush.  The sexy Brit revealed to Allure magazine that her lack of crotch hair led to a life altering choice.

“I had to grow the hair down there. But because of years of waxing, as all of us girls know, it doesn’t come back quite the way it used to.

“They even made me a merkin – a wig – because they were so concerned that I might not be able to grow enough.”

Merkins, aka pubic wigs, have faded in recent popular culture.  In its heyday, women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of syphilis.

Winslet’s revelation hopefully means a new generation of merkin-wearing women is in the making, as it’s an underrated piece of clothing that could take the fashion world by storm if marketed properly.

In a perfect world, everyone would own a merkin.  Both men and women would wear very low cut jeans to highlight their new accessory.  It would make even the biggest cities have a small town feel, as strangers would come together and forge friendships based on ice breaking conversations about their respective merkins. merkin

It offers a solution to our economic recession, as a cottage industry featuring unique merkins would provide income to those who have lost their jobs.  Someone could become the Bill Gates of the pubic wig world.

Everyone would make money, which would likely bring about racial and socio-economic harmony.  A society where we’d be  judged not on the colors of our merkins but on the content of our character.

A person’s right to Chaz

bonoCher’s daughter, Chastity Bono, announced she’s undergoing a sex change and from now on will be known as Chaz.  Bringing awareness to the situation of transgendered is a good thing, and I’m glad he’ll be more comfortable in his own skin. 

Upon hearing the news, the first person that came to mind was Scott Baio.  In my mind, the two will now be forever linked via their strange connection with the name Chaz.  Bono chose it as her male name, and Baio played a character named Chaz in several episodes of “Charles In Charge.” 

In what were the most memorable episodes of the series, Baio’s character, Charles, suffered a bump on the head.  He would immediately turn into “Chaz,” a tough talking ne’er do well who wore a leather jacket and was disrespectful to everyone.  A real bad ass.  It was a stark contrast to the “Charles” character, who was a hard working college student that often helped walk old ladies cross the street when he wasn’t banging Gwendolyn Pierce.

After everyone got over the shock of Charles’s descent into corruption and depraving, they figured out the only way to return him to his normal state was to hit him on the head again.  The episode inevitably devolved into nearly every character swiping at his head thinking they were doing the right thing, and many laughs were had as the contrasts between Charles and his alter ego were highlighted.baio

One can only hope that The Curse of The Chaz does not make its way to Bono.  It would be horrible if she changed genders every time she received a bump on the head.  The level of confusion for Bono’s friends and family would be a hundred times worse than that of the “Charles in Charge” cast.

Flush your Pooch

A feel good story out of Britain today, as a puppy survived being flushed down a toilet by its 4-year-old owner.toiletdog

Daniel Blair, 4, had been trying to give the muddy dog a bath, after his twin brother Nicky took the young pup for a walk in the garden of their Middlesex home.

The young boy placed the dog in the toilet and pulled the chain to wash it. Their mother, Alison, told Britain’s Daily Mirror that she ran into the bathroom to find the dog missing.

Little Daniel said he was planning on drying the dog off in the microwave, then giving it a haircut in the garbage disposal.

If I’m Disney, I’m jumping all over this story.  It makes for the perfect animated feature.

Dyno, a British dog (voiced by Colin Firth)  gets stolen from his owner by their next door neighbors and flushed down the toilet.  He’s washed away to the Atlantic ocean, where he emBARKs on the adventure of a lifetime.  There, he meets a lovable cast of sea creatures, including a cantankerous crab (Danny Glover), a fun loving seal (Seal), and a young salmon (Miley Cyrus).  Together, the sea animals help their new friend fend off a big, bad shark (James Woods) and learn life lessons. 

During the journey, he learns to appreciate his new comrades and not dwell on the bad things in life  as he tries to find his way home.

With the star power and a can’t miss concept that both children and their parents would love, you’re looking at at least an $85 million opening weekend.

Martyr for Hire

I hosted and wrote for a late night talk show while attending Slippery Rock https://i0.wp.com/www.sexualfables.com/images/joan_of_arc_miniature_c1450_1500.jpgUniversity during the first half of the decade.  It was a fun 3 years and was ultimately responsible for starting my career in television.

One of my favorite sketches written during my days at “Gettin’ Later” was “Martyr for Hire.”

“Martyr for Hire,” co-written with long-time friends Ben Mitchell and Chris Demeglio in March 2003, is an ironic and funny sketch.  While it was filmed, the location of the footage is unknown.  The skit was horribly performed and would not do the material justice.  This sketch has a special place in my heart, and I hope it will in yours too after you read it.

We enter from the commercial break.  Ben and Ryan are at the desk enjoying a friendly chat.

BEN
Welcome back.  We have a staff member who started a new business over break, and they’re here this evening to tell us a little bit about that. Can you come on out?

Martyr approaches the stage.

MARTYR
Hey Ben, Ryan, how are you guys doing tonight?

BEN
Pretty good, yourself?

MARTYR
Actually, I’m pretty excited to get this new business going.

BEN
OK, good, now tell us a little bit about what you’re doing here.

MARTYR
Well, I’ve decided to start a business called “martyr for hire.”

BEN
That’s an interesting name. What does this business do?

MARTYR
As we all know, I’m a college student and in order to pay off my mounting college loans I’ve decided to sell off my martyrdom to any businesses, lobbyists, or interest groups who would like to further their respective causes.

Ben
Ihat’s terrible, why would you do something like that? You have your whole life ahead of you.

MARTYR
The way I see is it is I can start off small and build a clientele.  You know, get my name out there. After that, I’ll get a few jobs that will lead to more impressive martyring opportunities. Pretty soon, I’ll expand my business and have martyrs who work under me.  I think this can be a fortune 500 company.

Ben and Ryan pause for a beat.

RYAN
Not if you’re dead you can’t. You do realize that being a martyr means dying for your cause, don’t you?

MARTYR
All i know is that I’m dying to get started. In fact, I already have 3 jobs lined up.

BEN
But how?

MARTYR
Look at Joan of arc.  If I can build up 10 percent of the name recognition she has, I’ll be rich.

BEN
She’s only famous ‘cause she’s dead.

RYAN
apparently he has the listening skills of a previously used martyr.

MARTYR
Well, you guys can do what you want. But, when you need a martyr for something, you’ll be back.

BEN
All right, good luck to you, I guess….ok we’ll be back in a moment with SRU men’s basketball coach john marhefka. stay tuned.

Fade to Black.  Commercial Break.

BEN
Ok, we’re back and (beat) Wait, what’s this? (beat) Our producer Doug has just informed me that the martyr for hire has just landed his 1st job! (beat) The funeral is Monday.

My Famous Cousin

Barrymore.  Arquette.  Fonda.  Muldowney? 

With my arrival to Hollywood in 2006, my family officially became a dynasty in the entertainment universe.  I am the second person in my lineage to forge a career as an entertainer.  The first:  My cousin Alfie alfiezappacostaZappacosta.

For as long as I could remember, I would hear stories about my famous cousin and his career.  It was a big deal in my family, and anyone would be lucky enough to be half as successful as him.

A canadian singer/songwriter with a long and prolific resume, he achieved his biggest success in the United States with an appearance on the soundtrack for the 1987 classic “Dirty Dancing.”  His song, “Overload,” plays when Patrick Swayze breaks into the car.  It’s a bitchin’ number with a block rockin’ beat.  Around that same time, he released a video for a song titled “Nothing Can Stand In Your Way.”  The video is below.


 

It’s has a very 80s feel to it, with slow motion clapping and hair tosses.  No doubt this became the anthem for Canadian high school graduates in 1986.  It’s a catchy tune and Alfie has a powerful voice and commanding stage presence.

I met Alfie once when I was 7.  He’s very friendly and down to earth.  Every now and then, I tell people about my famous cousin and they think I’m making it up.  It usually comes up when someone mentions “Dirty Dancing.”  I tell them the story, and the typical reaction is laughter and disbelief.  Today, I finally clear the air.  It’s no lie.  My grandmother and Alfie’s father were siblings.  My mom is his first cousin.  We’re related.

Alfie still tours Canada regularly and stars in many stage productions.  Between his musical prowess and me associately producing various shows on basic cable, we make quite a tandem.