Archive | May 2009

You’re the breast, Mom!

breast feedingFor some mothers, it’s hard to let go of their children as they grow older.  They’re always remembered as babies, but most parents eventually adjust.  Some, however, cling to the notion that their babies will always be young by letting them suck the milk from their supple bosom well after it’s socially acceptable to do so.

A recent documentary highlighted a mother who breastfeeds her 8-year-old daughter:

When Bethany, Mrs. Robinson’s older daughter, asked for breast milk for her ninth birthday she said, “I was delighted, if a little taken aback.”  I stopped breastfeeding Bethany when she was five.  I continued to feed her younger sister, Elizah.  Bethany clearly remembered what a wonderful feeling it had been.  “It was the best thing she could imagine and, presented like that, it seemed like a great idea.”

Mrs. Robinson and her family are very big on organic foods.  Elizah at almost 8 years old is not happy at the prospect of giving up breastfeeding.  Elizah said, “I don’t want to be weaned. I want to breastfeed for ever.”

There’s nothing more organic than sucking on mom’s teat until your preteen years.  Why wean a child from the milk?  The negatives of weaning outweigh the positives.

It likely means upgrading your weekly milk purchase at the grocery store from a quart to a gallon.  Certainly a risk with the high prices of dairy products.  Besides, breast milk adds a sweet new dimension to the frosted flakes they eat before school.

While it might be easy at first to get away with feeding, as a child grows older, it would get considerably more difficult.  The thought of a kid discretely ducking away from a junior high dance in the middle of a song to get a quick suckle would be hard to pull off for even a young James Bond.  Hard, yet justifiable.  There’s always the chance some street wise kid spiked the punch.  On the other hand, unless mom is knocking back cups of Irish Coffee in the morning, her milk will remain pure and alcohol free.

At the child’s high school graduation, I’d imagine he/she’d wear an extra large gown so mom can hide under it and squirt it into their mouth at the appropriate times.  Those ceremonies last a long time and a human being is liable to get thirsty.   Indy 500 Milk

As time passes, mother and child would figure out ways to beat the anti-breast milk system.  One situation, however, could spoil the whole operation:

Winning the Indy 500.

After the victory, it’s tradition for the winning driver to knock back a glass of milk.   They’d have to do their whole tit sucking song and dance in front of thousands of race car fans, and, well, that would just be awkward.


Desparately Sick of Susan

boyleEveryone has heard Susan Boyle sing.  Heaps of praise were given to her after her “Britain’s Got Talent” performance, and deservedly so.  A homely, middle aged woman who’s never been kissed got tons of press coverage because it turns out that ugly people can sing too.  If Susan Boyle was good looking, would anyone care?

No, they wouldn’t.

The attention Boyle received says a lot about the media.  She entered her audition with the judges ready to write her off based on nothing more than her frumpy appearance.  That’s immature, high school-like behavior.  When she sang successfully, the media swarmed.  She got a bit of a makeover, plucked her eyebrows, and the clock for another average person’s 15 minutes of fame started ticking.

Why is it so surprising to everyone that an ugly person can sing?  Have there never been ugly singers before?  I’ve seen Mick Jagger, so I know that’s not true.  Are we conditioned to think that only aesthetically pleasing human beings can do something of note?  It’s like the popular kids in school taking one of the outcasts and pretending to accept them into their group so they can make themselves feel better.

The Boyle story sells to the masses of generally unattractive people in this country who enjoy seeing someone less physically appealing than them succeed.  The kind of people who eat pork rinds, listen to Toby Keith, and laugh at Larry the Cable Guy.

Count on Boyle losing some weight, getting some minor plastic surgery, and changing what made her fodder for the image obsessed media in the first place; her poor looks.

And, as has happened many times before, the media has already begun knocking her back down a peg.  The headline on CNN after her semi-final performance: “Boyle shaky during second performance.”

The day will come when the media will pour its pigs blood on Susan Boyle a la “Carrie.”  Hopefully she doesn’t murder everyone via telepathy.

Now THAT would be talent.

Worst Job Fair Ever

People are struggling in these tough economic times.  With more and more costs being cut, it seems that the local commercial industry has been hit the hardest, judging by an advertisement for a job fair in Orlando.  The results are priceless.

:02 – They begin the ad with a nice cleavage shot.  You really can see deep into her shirt.  My eyes are glued.  That tit was really hanging down. 

:05 – The actresses share a loving kiss to establish the tight bond as unemployed friends.  The lesbian undertones are established.

:07 – “Girl, you ain’t heard,” to reach out to the unemployed masses, you must use unintelligible slang.  I hope she removes the chin piercing before her interview.  After busting out some dope street lingo, it’s revealed that 30 businesses will be representin’.  Something tells me Microsoft and Google will not send headhunters.

:20 – Girl on the right jobless AND deaf.  Her friend just revealed all the details, yet she feels the need to ask for the date of the event no more than 5 seconds after she heard it. 

If anyone watching this commercial relates to the actors in any way, please do the American workforce a favor and stay home.  I’d gladly pay the unemployment insurance of these two actresses myself.  Only if the one on the right let me see the rest of that hanging boob.

The Mini Sirloin Hype Machine

jack-in-the-boxJack In The Box released their “Mini Sirloin Burgers” a few weeks back and the buzz has become an unstoppable force. Thanks to the genius marketing campaign and a catchy tune, you can’t escape from it. The question is: Does the burger live up to the hype?

I left work a bit early and drove to the nearest Jack In The Box. After a long, stressful day at the office, nothing comforts better than some greasy fast food. My hands were trembling with anticipation as I ordered from the middle-aged Latino who ran the register.

“Mini sirloin burger meal please!” I said with a genial smile.

He nodded with a knowing smirk, understanding what a milestone this was. I waited a few moments and my meal came. The first bite went into my mouth as the other two parties in the restaurant enjoyed their food. An asian mother and son enjoying time together, and another man across the room who ordered a taco.Mini Sirloin Burgers

“Everything She Wants” by Wham! provided delightful eatin’ music, and I bit into the first of my three mini burgers in tune with the song. Both me and the guy across the room rocked back and forth, grooving with the song.

The food was enjoyable, though the burgers were bare. They were dressed with a little barbeque sauce and American cheese. The same kind of toppings as a $1 McDonalds cheeseburger. The actual beef was juicy and tender, and overall, the burgers were on par with other Jack in the Box menu items. That being said, the hype and the actual meal did not match.

By the time both the Wham! song and my meal were finished, I couldn’t help but notice the parallels between the group’s front man, George Michael and the burgers. Wham! had lots of hype, commercial appeal and glitz, but it wasn’t until George Michael left the band to become a solo artist that he was respected critically AND commercially. He made bigger hits solo.

The sirloin burger would work well as it’s own normal sized burger, maybe with a slice of lettuce and tomato on it, to enhance the flavor. But, the hype machine will serve the mini burgers well, just like Michael adding some facial hair and a leather jacket made him the major sex symbol of the late 1980s.

And also like George Michael, it comes down to the fact that I’d rather have one big slab of meat in my mouth instead of three little ones.<–>

Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

A backburner story coming out of the 2009 Network up-fronts is Kelsey Grammer’s return to network TV, starring in ABC sitcom “Hank.”

“It’s about a CEO who is downsized and has to return home and reconnect with his family, ”producer Tom Werner told the Track. “Only with a lot less money,” 

Grammer is one of the best sitcom actors from the last 30 years, but this show seems like nothing more than early cancellation fodder to be replaced by another hour of “Dancing with the Stars.”  The combination of the premise and the title sound like another throw away that will be listed at the bottom of an article written a couple years from now about the next Kelsey Grammer vehicle.

People Kelsey GrammerMaybe I’m judging prematurely, but it will be tough for this show to overcome the previous success of Grammer in the “Frasier Crane” role.  His last attempt, FOX’s “Back to you,” had him co-starring with Patricia Heaton as newscasters at a fictional Pittsburgh television station.  It lasted one season and was cancelled after mediocre ratings.

Kelsey Grammer’s blessing and curse will always be Frasier Crane.   Over the span of 20 years and two wildly successful TV series, Grammer’s portrayal of the erudite psychologist was engrained in our memories. Most actors would not have the talent or genetic makeup to stretch one character for such a long period without letting their ego get in the way.

There will forever be stories of television actors losing interest in the characters they play after a handful of seasons, yearning to try something new, even if their current gig has given them big money and prominence.  It’s usually an attempt to either become a movie star or avoid being typecast.

Actors are adverse to staying in one role for so long because they yearn for attention themselves.  As an actor becomes merged with an identifiable character, they can never shed themselves of that image.  They need a source of acceptance as the people they are and their abilities, not of a piece of fiction that’s only one example of a variety of characters they can play.  For this reason, actors often become disdainful of the roles that made them famous.  It’s especially ironic since they would not have had a successful career had it not been for their signature character.

I once spoke to a struggling actor about this.  He looked at it from another angle, one that would be fully appreciative.  Instead of being upset that they’re only seen as one character, they would embrace it.  Making it as a working actor is hard enough.  Becoming a performer that people remember is nearly impossible. 

Essentially, every actor wants to make an impact on their audience.  They want to be remembered after they’re gone.  While it’s unfortunate that certain actors never got the chance to show range, at least they’ve made their mark.

Grammer is a prime example of this.  He’s branching out into new roles, which may or may not work, but he will never completely shy away from Frasier Crane, and that seems to be OK with him. 

Maybe I’ll be proven wrong about “Hank,” and it will be what “The New Adventures of Old Christine” is for Julia Louis-Dreyfus.  In the mean time, I’ll watch “Cheers” and “Frasier” Reruns, enjoy his acting, and wish him well.

The affair that never was

After living in L.A. for 3 years, I’ve had my share of celebrity sightings.  Too many to remember them all.  However, with me being a glass-half-empty kind of guy, I’ll never forget the sighting that never was and the road not taken.  For the rest of my days, I’ll feel regret for not locking eyes with Gabrielle Carteris.

I’ve been lucky enough to encounter a good chunk of the “Beverly Hills, 90210” cast.  Jason Priestley at Gelson’s Market.  Jennie Garth at the Prism Awards.  Ian Ziering at Big Wangs.  Unfortunately the woman who portrayed Andrea Zuckerman has been the most slippery of them all.

Last Thursday, I was supposed to have dinner at a sushi restaurant in the valley.   Due to circumstances beyond my control, plans were changed and I went somewhere else.  That evening, I recieved a text from my girlfriend informing me that Carteris was at the restaurant enjoying some raw fish and, I assume, a few laughs.

I became flooded with mixed emotions.  Happy to be attending the birthday party of a dear friend, yet sad to have missed out on what would have surely been a life-altering experience.  Since that day, my mind has been wandering with thoughts of what might have been.

Perhaps we would have met eyes as I bit into a salmon roll.  I confidently walk to her table buy a round of sake bombs.  After a few minutes of stimulating conversation, I steer the topic to “90210” and slide in a remark about how I always found her glasses to be sexy. 

We down our sake bombs and I let it slip that I find older women attractive.  She giggles and touches my thigh.  I insist on picking up her tab and she asks if I will come home with her.  Hesitant, I ask about her marital status.  Gabrielle laughs and says that not only does her husband not mind, but he likes to video tape all extra-marital encounters.

My girlfriend does not object, as all of the women of “90210” are on my laminated “wish list” a la Ross Gellar and “Friends.” 

I provide her passion and home movie fodder, and she provides me stories and tid bits of her time on the best teen show in television history.  She eventually abandons her husband for me and she unfreezes her eggs.  Since she’s middle-aged, this is the only way to conceive our love child.  We can make a Hanna Zuckerman-Vasquez of our own and live off of her residuals for the rest of our days.

It was not meant to be, so I returned to my job on Monday, pondering a life of bliss with a washed up, middle-aged TV actress that will never happen.

Barenaked Fat Ladies

This ice cream makes me want to point my finger!

The greatest band ever assembled has achieved many things during the last 20 years:  Platnium albums, sold out tours, a documentary produced and directed by Jason Priestly, and most importantly, gaining me as a fan.  Now they’ve been immortalized via dessert.

Barenaked Ladies have been immortalized by ice cream manufacturer Ben and Jerry’s:

The band launched “If I Had 1,000,000 Flavours” at a news conference at the CN Tower on Tuesday.

The title, of course, is a play on their hit, “If I Had a Million Dollars.”

With chocolate, vanilla, chocolate-covered toffee, white chocolate chunks, peanut butter cups and chocolate-covered almonds – “that’s a lot of chunks,” notes drummer Tyler Stewart – this million-flavour mixture tastes, well, pretty rich.

“We went through a tough time in the last year but we’re absolutely on our feet, and making a new record, and ready to rock, and ready to do good things – helping people learn how to read, and helping people get fat.”

One of those people will be me. 

This is the culimation of my two favorite things:  BNL and food.  If I disappear for an extended period of time, know that you’ll most likely find me sitting shirtless on my sofa, stuffing my face full of this new, tasty ice cream while watching Barenaked Ladies videos, listening to their albums, and probably becoming aroused. 

The fat man and music fan in me is happy.  The over/under on me ballooning to my 2002 era weight (college dining halls were not kind to me) is 3 months.

An ice cream flavor is a good move for the band, but I always envisioned them going into the adult entertainment world.  Their name would make a great brand for butt plugs, dildos, and the like.