Archive | April 2009

The Evigan Code

Warning:  The theory below will change your life.

Many religions speak about the return of Jesus Christ and how it will mean the end of the world.  This is a lie, as  Jesus has been back since the 1970’s and is living as actor Greg Evigan.

I came across the first clue a few nights ago.  A photo of Jesus on my friend’s fridge.

jesus

The image was beautiful, and the face immediately struck me as familiar.  As I racked my brain for a match, it came to me.  The neatly groomed facial hair, the combed back brown hair, and the steely gaze.  It was one of the best actors of our time, Mr. Evigan.

eviganI snapped a photo with my camera phone and immediately did a side by side comparison of the two pictures.  The results were startling:

eviganjesus

If that isn’t enough to convince you, I shall dig deeper.  With Christ back, why would he take the form of a teen idol?  Why not as the president of a powerful nation, leader of the peace corps, or a magician?  Simple.  God knew that his son could impact more lives as a teen idol, doing holy work from behind the scenes. The only beings to know the truth where our primate cousins, the apes, who flocked to him.  He, in turn, touched them like the lepers he cured in biblical times.

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Clearly Evigan was touching apes and humans the way God would want.  But who is God?  The 1987 Evigan vehicle “My Two Dads” provides answers. File:My 2 Dads.gif

On the surface, “Dads” is a high concept sitcom about two men who adopt a girl after her mother dies.  However, it is much, much deeper.

The two dads and the daughter make three.  The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, also known as The Holy Trinity, also make three.  With Greg Evigan already proven to be Jesus, the answer is clear:  Paul Reiser is God.  Their characters solidified this, as Evigan was the cool, hip, anti-establishment dad, while Reiser was the uptight, straight laced, fire and brimstone type of father.

This leaves Nicole, played by Staci Keenan, as the embodiment of the Holy Spirit.  While my research has proven inconclusive as to whether or not she is in fact the spirit or just an actress used as a pawn in a heavenly scheme, she played the part to perfection.

Furthermore, the show’s theme song, written by Greg Evigan himself, is obviously about Christ.

You can count on me.
No matter what you do.
You can count on me.
No matter where you go.

I’m standing by your side.
I’ll be right behind.
No one loves you more than I do,
Put your hand in mine.

I can see a part of me in you.
A little something special that comes shining through.
I hear it in your laughter,
And I feel it when you cry,
I will be right there for you,
Until the day I die.

The show was a vehicle to promote the Bible’s most important messages.  This is why the Godless liberal media cancelled it after only 3 seasons.  Had this show been on during the Bush administration, it would have lasted for a minimum of 7.

Until now, the only living person to know this secret was Dick Butkus.  He was rewarded with a prominent role in the show.  In fact, when Florence Stanley, who played the Judge on the show, found out in 2003, she immediately passed away.

Reiser continued his role as God, though much more subtly, in the sitcom “Mad About You.”  The show had a less prominent holy message, though the theme song, written by Reiser, had a similar message as its predacessor.

As for Evigan, final proof that he is Jesus Christ:  Look at his daughter, actress Briana Evigan.  Only someone like Jesus could produce a woman this bangin’.

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Now, you all know the truth.  Try to carry on with your lives as normally as you can.

At least if you catch the Swine flu, you’ll know whom to pray to.

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Muldo Video: Stop Swineing

Here’s my very serious commentary on the Swine Flu pandemic and the media’s perfectly logical and not at all sensational coverage of this global news story.

In the words of Barenaked Ladies, “an entertaining scandal broke today but I can’t move on.”

Mr. Belvedere Fan club! – What my life has been missing

Today, I came across an advertisment for a “Mr. Belvedere Fun Kit.”   Its highlights include an  OFFICIAL Iron On transfer so you can proudly boast your membership via hanes t-shirt, and a special surprise on your birthday from Belvedere himself.  Let’s hope that surprise wasn’t the same thing Wesley got from his boyscout troop leader during that “Very Special Episode.”

I was hesitant to join until I saw the look of pure joy on the children’s faces and heard the hip, rockin’ electric guitar and sax version of the show’s theme song.  I’ve sent my application for membership and will let you know when I recieve my Official Certificate of authenticity.

My apartment is an Applebee’s

The decor of my swinging bachelor pad has slowly been turned into an homage to Applebee’s.  Watch the video below and see how:

Morton Downey Jr. – Prophet

“I saw Beaver and I saw all these other shows that were so good and those are the shows that  spawned a generation of the biggest junkheads in the world when we grew up.  So I don’t know whose show did wrong.  But it made me start thinking…This way.” – Morton Downey Jr.

You might remember Morton Downey Jr. (1933-2001)  from his late 1980s talk show where he chainsmoked and yelled at his guests to “Zip It.”    He was also rumored to have written the surf anthem “Wipe Out.”  No one ever knew that Mort was one more thing:  A prophet. 

No one thought that during a 1990 appearance on “The Pat Sajak Show” that Downey would sum up America’s current troubles in a 3 minute song.

Mort uses his songwriting prowess to dissect what’s wrong with Americans.  He goes down a road that no one has ever gone down before:  Blaming the media.  By getting into the faces of random audience members (see 0:25) Downey Jr. drives the point home that America has gone to hell in a handbasket. 

“Is a coke still a cola, or something we shove up our nose?” he asks, obviously with his tongue-in-cheek since cocaine was initially an ingredient in Coca-Cola and predates the drink.

Morton Downey Jr. also points out that television is making everyone dumber, a statement that, ironically was made on one of the most horrible shows in the past 30 years.

With his half-talking, half-singing style, we’re passengers on a riveting audio ride.  As the crescendo builds at 1:25, the audience is won over by the message, as their clapping to the beat attests.

You can’t help but realize why Morton Downey Jr. was taken from us so prematurely.  He was a prophet from God who had a message:  We need to go back to the way things were in the 1950s and early 1960s.  It was a perfect time where mankind treated each other well (besides the whole racism thing), people didn’t get divorced or have children out of wedlock,  no one ever did drugs, and the lines between good and evil were clearly drawn.  Once that message was passed along to the masses via “The Pat Sajak Show,” there was nothing left for him to do on this planet. 

Thanks for the warning, Mort.  If more people would have listened to you, 9/11, the financial crisis, and quite possibly every disaster in the last 20 years would have been avoided.

“Are the good times we sing about only in songs that are sung?” – Morton Downey, Jr.

Relay for Life? Not if I’m hungry

Back in college a group of people on my dorm floor organized a team for the annual “Relay for Life” at Slippery Rock University.  I signed up immediately, since I’m nothing if not a good humanitarian.

We set up camp at the athletic field where the event was being held, and the group enjoyed each other’s company until the early morning hours.  For those who don’t know, generally a representative from each group must walk the entire 24 hours.  I was paired up with my friend Ben, and we were assigned three shifts.  Our first two went smoothly, with prolonged naps in between.  Our third shift started at the same time that a nearby dining hall opened for breakfast.

In between making hilarious remarks that walking backwards in the opposite direction would signify a “Relay For Death” and coming up with nicknames for everyone in the general vicinity, we joked about ditching on our shift and grabbing a quick bite.  The joke quickly turned serious and we worked out the logistics.  No one on our team was in sight, with them all retreating back to the dorms for sleep.  If we left and returned within our shift span, the next person would come and be none the wiser that we didn’t fulfill our obligation.

There was a staircase conveniently located next to the field that led to the dining hall and we casually strolled to it.  Moments later we were enjoying greasy bacon and undercooked scrambled eggs at Weisenfluh dining hall.  We chuckled about a plan that worked to perfection.

After we finished, we got back to the field and continued walking.  Moments later, our teammates arrived and relieved us of our shift.   Celebratory high-fiving and relief were the themes of the walk back to the residence hall.

Upon our return, I glanced at my white board while unlocking my door. 

“HOW WAS BREAKFAST ASSHOLE?” was scribbled on it.

We were caught by friend and teammate Chris “Two,” who would later admit that he wasn’t mad about us ditching, but only that he had not been invited.  He went to the field to grab a forgotten item and realized we were nowhere to be found.

Word of our scheme spread, and we were the black sheep of the team for the remaining 7 hours of the Relay for Life.  Things escalated when the girl who organized the team screamed in Ben’s face that he “didn’t care about cancer.”  A bit of an overreaction considering we had still donated money to a more than worthy cause. 

Relay for Life or not, if I’m hungry, I’m eating, damn it.

Brushing shoulders with STARS

My apartment building might be old and dumpy, but it still houses some of the finest celebrities of our generation.  Wilson Cruz, star of “My So-Called Life,” calls it home.  It also houses a former Penthouse Pet and me.  Now, it can claim a new celebrity as its own. 

Last night, as I enjoyed a home made pork chop with my friend Jack, a preview of the new NBC drama “SouthLAnd” aired.  Jack informed me that our neighbor, who made claims to being an actress in the past, was in the background. 

The same woman whose son I caught trying to steal food and money from the vending machine in the lobby.  Who blasts Janis Joplin at the highest possible volume while her windows are wide open.  Who had the cops called on her several times, most notably when she repeatedly threatened to kill her son, making the police place her in handcuffs in the middle of the courtyard.  Who knocked on my door one morning at 8:30 am to make sure I really didn’t want the mail I disgarded in the recycle bin.

  Here’s the video, and pay attention at 0:16:

 Tough to notice, but take a look at the screen grab:

And another, as we zoom in:

Since this is not a hi-def screen grab, the photo is grainy, but the conclusion the same.  With her pair shape, her distinct waddle, pulled back, unkempt gray hair, and her loud, obnoxious voice,  she’s an unforgettable woman.  And now, she’s a star.

I want her autograph.