It’s the week leading up to the Academy Awards. The entire world focuses on the Kodak Theater in Hollywood as the stars walk the red carpet, accept awards, and pat themselves on the backs. Two blocks away from the hooplah sits my apartment building, which was originally a hotel in the 1920’s.
They blocked off a section of Hollywood Blvd. to prepare for the event. Since I was off today, I decided to be a tourist for 45 minutes and take some photos of the preparation. You can see the photos (and the captions below them) by continuing to read, my friendly friend.
A nice photo of my fast-growing hair before I showered this morning.
James Cameron was actually at the top of that billboard, but he hid when he saw me taking the picture.
A view of the preparations from across Highland Ave.
An interesting tarp.
Nice view of the red carpet, though the security guard on the left was thinking “who’s this douche taking a picture?” when he saw me.
They made us walk inside the shopping center to avoid the middle of the setup. Interesting shot of the giant Oscar wrapped in plastic, too.
I snuck a photo of an Oscar funeral. As you can see, the other Oscars are very upset about this untimely death.
Some journalist with his crew.
The bleachers and red carpet from an outsider’s perspective.
Me with my good friend, Jimmy Kimmel. I swear that’s really him. It just looks like a sandwich board because of the angle.
A closer shot at the red carpet and bleachers.
Nothing to do with the Oscars. Just noticed she had a little muffin top pouring out of her pants and snapped a descrete photo of it.
The other side of the tarp. Thought it looked cool.
Interesting shot of the tent.
This is a cool shot.
Me posing sexily in front of this tent.
A shot of Power House, the bar where you can often find me schooling people at darts in an attempt to woo middle-aged women.
So that was my afternoon. Enjoy the stellar photography I shot some video too, but it’s not very good. The photos are better quality.
If you’d like to see the hi-res versions of these images, you can download the zipped folder at http://www.gettinlater.com/oscars.zip
It was another work week in the books. The weekly “Road Rules” episode breakdown, which is my job to write, had been completed. After a smooth, traffic-free drive down the 101, I parked my car and walked back to my apartment. Though the “don’t walk” sign was on, I jogged across the street since no cars were in sight.
That’s when I heard a voice from the shadows.
“Daddy,” it called out.
I continued my slow jog when I heard it again.
“Daddy, can I have a cigarette?” the voice asked.
I looked to my right and saw a strung out prostitute on the opposing corner of the street. My heart started pumping faster.
“I don’t have one, sorry,” I shouted.
Normally, I would have stopped once I crossed the road, but I kept going.
“Do you want to have sex? For free?” the hooker asked.
“No thanks,” I said to her.
As funny as this night of sure passion would’ve been for anyone who would ever hear the story, I decided it was in my best interest to decline. Being STD free works for me for some reason.
You always hear about people getting arrested for solicitation. She might’ve been an undercover cop trying to make a bust. Actually, if she was undercover, she would probably be the worst police officer in the world. Since she offered the sex for free, they couldn’t arrest me for taking her up on it. I would have beaten the SYSTEM.
So, I walked back to my apartment and called it a night. I didn’t get a great look at her, but she wasn’t fat.
Maybe if she was hot I would have taken her up on it. I think she had big boobs. And dating a hooker worked out for Richard Gere in “Pretty Woman.”
Muldo shows his hip-hop side by kicking a righteous flow to a Bone Thugs N Harmony classic.
I was woken up at 10:15 a.m. last Tuesday morning by a call from my friend,
Jack. He works on “The Tyra Banks Show.” I feel like an honorary staff member of the show since I’ve gotten to know much of the staff through Sunday NFL action at Big Wangs.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Ryan, wake up, you’re going on a date with a lesbian today,” Jack said.
“Tyra” did a show about people dating out of their comfort zone. One of
the subjects is a lesbian who has never been on a date with a man. The guy they picked to be on the show backed out at the last second, and my friend knew I wasn’t working last week, sohe called me. That set my first TV date into motion.
Of course the water wasn’t running in our building this morning due to the installation of a new hot water tank. Luckily, there was enough left for me to wash my face and brush my teeth.
By 10:45 I was at a bake shop on Santa Monica Blvd. I looked sharp in a blue polo and jeans. The Field Producer made me change my shirt since there was a logo on it. I had a logo-less button down in the back seat of my car. Though wrinkly, it was acceptable to wear.
My date was a beautiful lady named Amber. We got over the intial awkwardness and warmed up to each other as best we could. The situation was contrived, but that’s daytime talk for you. They directed us in what to say and how to act at times, but i added some Muldoisms to the segment.
First, we prepared x-rated cupcakes with chocolate butts and boobs. It’s the
first time in my life I can legitimately say I ate a butt (even said that phrase on camera too. I don’t think it made the show, although the slightly less cool phrase “Let’s sex it up!” did make the final cut).
We flirted and kissed the icing off of each others lips. Then we went to a smoothie shop for some more conversation. We were directed to kiss again.
I had to ask her questions about her sexual history and other embarrassing things. Things that I would never really ask on a date.
It’s funny that I’m kissing a lesbian several times for a national audience, yet I have trouble putting a move on a woman in private. There’s something in me that, when the cameras are turned on, makes me perform and do things I normally wouldn’t do. I guess I’m just an entertainer.
Amber and I got along well. Her friend Drew was there, too. They invited me to go to a Gay club that night. It was definitely an interesting experience. A bit of a role reversal. I was the one out of my comfort zone that evening. I did notice a couple of dudes vibing me there. I guess when you got it, YOU GOT IT.
On Thursday, I was interviewed by Tyra in the studio. I had a green room, which I shared with a multi-millionaire real estate investor. We chatted for two and a half hours. He had some crazy stories. He gave me his business card and told me he wants to hang out with me. Seems like a good guy to know.
While I was waiting, I had a bunch of visitors from my friends who work on the show. They all gave me pep talks to calm me down before I went out there.
They gave me clothes to wear on stage. I could have brought my own clothing, but I knew that what they picked out for me would be better than anything I’d pick out on my own. Had to look good for the national television audience.
To my surprise, they didn’t edit me to be too much of a douche. The dating segment was funny, and though they cut out some of my funny lines, they left some in too.
I was much more nervous than I thought I’d be when I was on the stage. It was my first TV appearance since “Gettin’ Later,” and for a slightly larger audience. I was told that my face got progressively more red as the segment went on, and that my head was about to explode by the end. That should be amusing to watch on TV.
The producers and everyone on the staff who watched the footage thought I was hilarious. I didn’t think I did anything that funny, but I guess just being myself is entertaining enough. I am a character, after all.
My “Tyra” experience was a good one. I got thrown into it at the last minute, had a blast, and made a couple new friends. Let’s just hope some ladies e-mail the show so they can bring me back on more dates! Or if that doesn’t work out, let’s hope the people at “Survivor” see me and realize that I am a reality TV STAR in the making!
Here’s the video of my appearance on the show: